Monday, February 9, 2009

The Rain

Life, itself, is an unfair tryst if anything. We live and breathe while trusting that we have a plan. Then that idea morphs and changes into something we cannot utter. Such is the loss of a child. Losing a child comes in many venues and subtleties. It never comes with a warning. Mothers cling to a hope unlike any life preserver. We grasp it and let go only when it is the only option left. I have lost a child. She is albeit still alive, but she is lost irrevocably. I consider it the same. A heart stops in any circumstance. A mothers heart is forever changed.

As a labor and delivery nurse, I too have had to partake in loss while caring for a family. My heart breaks every time. My breath stops. Life's metronome beats slower and each minute melts into the next without a care that we are shattered and fractured. Loss is loss. I have never experienced loss without that painful tunneling of memory and circumstance.

I read today of a family whose precious 1 year old daughter died recently. Freshly diagnosed with cancer, and their hope all raw and exposed on their blog, only for the baby to lose her brief and exquisite battle with life. I cant wrap my head around why people endure such horrific loss as that of a child in their lives. I cant see the sense when so many evil and diabolical people rule and infest the earth. I do not know why God allowed my oldest daughter to disown me and my family, all in the name of a divorce and alienation and lies. But I know God allowed it. He allows us to lose. While we grip as tight as we can and beg for a reason. And all I know is that He sees the future. He remembers the past. Only God can bring healing and steer us in the direction that will, unbelievably be in our best interest.

That doesn't remove or pacify the sting however. Gods sovereignty does not make me understand why such innocence is lost. I struggle everyday with the palpable loss of my child. I vividly remember and feel the slap of death when a patients baby is taken away. I cry large, fat, slippery, gray tears every time I become a part of the death process with a family. Because I know pain, I also know God is there. Somewhere He is placing a warm blanket over us, and drawing us into his bosom to comfort us. We fight and struggle because we feel the need to know why, but all He asks is for us to let go, and let Him heal us.

I do not know when it happens. I just know that with life comes loss. Motherhood is no exception. Our children may physically be gone or may have left us by choice. Neither is a choice a mother desires. Because we give birth and a part of our soul goes with our child. We are never completely whole again. We heal, time mellows the sting, but the scars remain. And we never, ever forget.

And so we continue to breathe. And live.

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